thepissedkitty

A doctor tagged me…a doctor! (I don’t know why I’m always so surprised that smart people are even speaking to me…without an appointment!)

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

(I may or may not actually follow the rules, you know.)

1. I am not grossed out by dead people. Just feet. And, yeah, dead feet are extra gross…but not animal feet. OK, maybe chicken feet, especially dim sum chicken feet (crunchy!) Er, I’m sure they’re very delicious, just…no.

2. I used to have an eating disorder, but now I’m just a food obsessive.

3. I can no longer really stay awake through a whole movie. It’s embarrassing.

4. Have been unemployed, save for a week or so temping, for almost a year. Also embarrassing. So is the fact that I can’t really spell “embarrassing” as it always looks wrong. Maybe this is why I went back to school.

5. I know a famous groupie, but am not one. If I could have been one, I cannot say for which groups as my musical taste is also embarrassing (late 80’s - bad hair, which I still secretly think looks good on men).

6. I have not had a haircut in almost as long as I’ve been unemployed, which may have something to do with my being unemployed. So today I was looking into a new stylist, as the only person who could ever really cut my hair no longer cuts hair. Unfortunately, she had posted a picture on her salon’s website. She has a bowl cut, people. A BOWL CUT. (She also claims that she recently saw APOCALYPTO, which made her fascinated with “Mayan” hair cuts - wha?! I didn’t know Mayans HAD haircuts.) I cannot possibly get a haircut from this person…I know stylists are eccentric, but my mom forcibly bowl-cutted me back in the late 70’s/early 80’s and I’m still getting over it (and the forcible poodle-perm/mullet combo). I refuse to believe that the stylist’s freaky ‘do will not somehow end up on your head. You know they want to.

Damn you, Dorothy Hamill…! I’m going back to my regular girl, with the variations on pink and black skunky extensions, as this seems a safer bet.

I tag uh…anyone who wants to be tagged (because I am a wuss).

Is it just me, or……does this just seem…wrong?

Somebody give it some Monistat, stat…!

So it turns out my favorite “Christmas carol” (yes, I do have those, even though I am a Stealth Jew) contains alarmingly accurate descriptions of cars I used to drive*:

C’mon, cmon!
C’mon, you can do it!
(car starts)
All right!
Dashing through the snow
in my Rusty Chevrolet
Down the road I go
Sliding all the way

Got to get to Wal-Mart
To pick up the lay-away
‘Cause Santa Claus is coming soon
In his big old rusty sleigh
(CHORUS!!!)

-Rusty Chevrolet by Da Yoopers

*except the radio didn’t usually work, either; I’d NEVER go to Wal-Mart, and I don’t know what the IGA is…

I got a big birthday boil on my butt. I think it’s a pressure sore from all the sitting on hard assed stools (chair, stools - not stool, stools) in class. (I put some stool softener on them but it didn’t work.)

I have to take chem and some of my classmates are still high school students. They irritate the crap out of me and now I have to take the stool softener.

That’s about it, other than thirty four sucks. Don’t even make any jokes, because I have the sex drive of banana slug in a bag of potato chips.

I don’t know what that means.

Now I have to go write a report on thermodynamics, and I don’t know what that means, either.

Sometimes I wish I were Anna Nicole Smith, except, not dead. Being vapid, yet loaded (in every sense of the word) sounds pretty good right now.

The only good thing about being back in school at 34 and not sitting at a desk reading imdB and TMZ crap intermittently: I have no idea who anyone is anymore. The Hills? Lauren Conrad? Other than the most boring assed bland blond w/ no lips I have seen since that Diane Lane chick? Nope, nothing. Stupid Bimbo O the Week does not even register.

I see commercials with these people in them, and think: am I supposed to know who that is? Because I have no earthly idea why they are showing that person or why that would make me want to buy something. I like not knowing, or needing to know, these lame starf*ckers anymore. I do, however, need to know about pig ear notching, how many teats a she-goat has, and how to tell when your cow is in heat. Still, that’s…useful.

Now I’m going to pee the dogs and try to find some fossil to lance my butt boil. I am, as ever, teh sexxx.

By the way, I have sampled those macaroni bites from Jack in the Crack since the last posting. They are freakin’ amazing, but not amazing as the potato and bacon (which I do not eat) bites. Holy crap.

I haven’t really wanted to eat anything animal since visiting the farm last week, but my stomach and my unemployment keep getting in the way of my vegetarianism. If someone would just buy me a vat of Quorn…

Two smells I have not been able to get out of my head: the goats at school (male) and the sick kid in my chem class. Apparently, testosterone, once it kicks in, makes things much STINKIER. The male goats smelled like goat cheese that had been left out in the hot sun, in a Port-O-Potty, in Tijuana, for a week. The kid, he just smelled like he’d been eating bad food and drinking sickly sweet Gatorade for about a month without showering. I can’t deal with even the memory of either, can almost taste it, and feel like I’m about to throw up. Or it could just be all the fried food. Or, I’ve been knocked up by space aliens. Take your pick.

I wonder if the baby will look like a) a goat, b) elbow macaroni, and/or c) Grape Ape. Or all three, one for each head. I also think I should start taking interesting medication, or stop eating cheese right before bed.

My only real original thoughts of late, considering the classes I just started combined with the job search (fruitless unless you consider sign twirler, nit picker - no lie - or “bathroom valet” to be viable forms of employment. Oh yeah, and, GO TEAM LATRINE! Gotta give ‘em points for the biz name.)

(But no, really. Those people always piss me off, because I don’t feel like I should have to tip them just because they are standing in the restroom (P.U.) and they offer me a towel when I finish using the sink. Then I feel guilty.)

Anyway, discuss:

1) Diane Lane. Possibly the most boring actress ever. Even her name is boring. Why is she getting jobs, even? So that other WASPy, skinny, bland-looking people will have someone to relate to? Am I missing something here…?

2) I went into a Jack in the Crack to buy a couple dog burgers, and what did I see? Fried “CHEESY MACARONI BITES“. As if their Sirloin-and-Cheese-Fried-Tater-Tot burrito nightmare (read: delicious) wasn’t proof enough that the fast food industry is trying to kill us.

I had a point, I just lost it. Can’t stop thinking about that fried cheese.
Maybe, if they fried Diane Lane, I might find her interesting, too.

Not posting here, just sharing the Link of the Day: YouTube’s LASAGNA CAT.
Scratch that, you can view the strips in chronological order on a better viewer at lasagnacat.com. Not that I have bad 80’s nostalgia, or anything but…

Where has this guy been all my life? (Apparently at ComicCon, boy did I miss out.) Is this performance art, reenacting lame Garfield strips in front of a live audience? And then a pretty much unrelated music video, for no reason? I certainly hope so. Here is my favorite.

He has the Jon hair down to a science, although Garfield looks strangely deflated. I kind of like him this way. I also have no idea why I thought Garfield was so funny, other than a) I was eight, b) everyone was doing coke, and c) I still think Odie, Lyman, and Nermal are totally hilarious. Especially the one where Garfield steps on a food bowl and thocks himself in the face, for some reason. Plus you know there’s some obscure off-color Garfields back before Jim Davis was famous for producing 1 book every 9 mos. or whatever - seemed like forever in those days because I was a pre-pubescent adolescent and couldn’t wait for that crap to come out. I also owned every Garfield plush (possibly two of each) and goddammit, I still love lasagna.

But no, I will not see the hideous CGI nightmare that was Garfield: The Movie, starring Jennifer Love Hugetits, i.e. Squinky Eye with Dead Rodent for a Hairdo. That would be blasphemy.

Quote of the Day: I’m using the CAT BRUSH!!!

Sad news, folks.

Planter’s Cheez Balls, like eventually everything else I enjoy, consume, or use, have been discontinued. Apparently for some time now. I will terribly miss this snack product, though my slightly re-emergent waistline will not. I used to eat a whole can of these suckers. They had this vacuum-packed metal lid thingy which was, by the way, very dangerous, especially when you had your arm in the thing up to the elbow. Major risk of arterial spray, or at least, getting cheese fuzz up to your elbow.

By the way, here is a picture of Cranky, er, Ernest Hemingway, feeding a Cheeto to my dog:

Note: Cheeto pictured is not actual Cheeto; it is a 100% organic, food-grade, free-range dog cheeto.

This photo was rejected by the LA Times website for “Animals Behaving Badly”. Maybe it was too phallic? Maybe a Cheez Ball would have worked better? (Daaaaamn yooooou, Planters, this is all YOUR fault!)…but probably not.

Site of the Day: Anything but Planters.com, which by the way contains no information about the ill-fated Cheez Ball.

Quote of the Day: Screw Mr. Peanut and his blind a** with his cane.
-Anonymous user, #24, found here.

Sob…where have alllll the cheez balls gone? Sing it, Joni…I am gonna have to put a Ding Dong in the blender with vodka and drink it, just to deal. Or maybe rum would be better…?

Eat crappy diet food for a while. It does, in fact, “change your taste buds,” but not as purported in the I-only-like-healthy-things-now way. No, you will still gain back all the weight (and then some), but it makes you realize real food tastes ah-maze-ing. OMG, crappuccino with full-fat half-and-half and Midnight Moo, where have you been all my life? It’s like a vegan’s wet dream…ahem. Sorry vegs.

Other bad thoughts: I call Tulip, i.e. Honky Goose, i.e. my dog - and Bosco, i.e. Beaskieskeeskee, i.e…nevermind, anyway, I call them “weenies”. No they are not weenie dogs, they are just…weenies. So this morning, fueled by the above beverage, pit stank, and unemployment, I went around singing, You Are the Wind Beneath my Weenie. Which is not to say, weiner, i.e. wang, i.e. schlong…I got in big trouble in the 7th grade for saying schlong…by the way, don’t click that, not safe for work…you did? Oops…er…i.e. weenus. It is to say, you are the wind…beneath my dog. It’s very spiritual, in its way.

What?

Quote of the Day (besides: you are the wind beneath my weenie):
My scrotum is longer than my penis!
-Jack Black character in MARGOT AT THE WEDDING

Link of the Day: See how many TV/movie quotes contain the word “scrotum”. More than you would think-! Wow.

In typical unpoopular opinionated form, I hate Sex in the City. This is perhaps why I watched it - I obviously enjoy being annoyed.

Out of all of the girls, I guess I can relate to Samantha the best, because although she annoys me, men try to do weird things to me sometimes, and I probably tolerate it more than I should. Er. I hate Carrie because I want her ex-boyfriend who she was mean to, OK, I don’t really want him, I just want his dog and his house in the woods. I hate Miranda second-to-last because she’s just a dick sometimes, a really uptight dick. And Charlotte, I cannot stand Charlotte, she is just too precious with her wonky eye and her Cavalier King Charles Whatever overbred puppy mill spaniel (hey, she kind of looks like one! I met one once and he had seizures twice a day where he would shriek and paw at the air around his head. Just like Charlotte, except her eyes just bug out and her mouth hangs open) and her husband who looks at the same time like a penis and a giant baby. Disturbing.

Annoying Charlotte with typical dumb look on her face….if you do a Google Image search for “Kristen [sic] Davis,” you will find her with something else on her face.
Showing off her wonky eye to its best advantage.

By the way, off-topically, you should totally rent the bad 80’s movie, Mannequin. Not only is a friend of mine and also Andrew “Whatever Happened To…?” McCarthy in it, but the mannequin is played by Kim Cattrall, aka Samantha. Who by the way, hasn’t aged one iota. It’s really sort of spooky.

Was just reading the movie review over at the delightful Schindermania (and Schinders, I wish I’d known you were going, because I couldn’t think of any girls to go with who would want to see it and who don’t annoy me, themselves!) Still haven’t seen the flick, but the review made me smile and recall my favorite mistake, i.e. “outfit”, worn by Carrie on the TV show, involving:

-a half-shirt
-a bra (whose cups you can see hanging halfway out of the half-shirt)
-a belt (worn over her bare midsection)
-pants (I don’t remember the pants because I was too horrified by the exposed bra cups and the belt worn for NO REASON)
-shoes, ditto, but I’m sure they were ugly

Ah, SJP, i.e. Dee Snider of Twisted Sister w/ a sex change…how I miss you and your bad clothing and relationship choices.