thepissedkitty

I have to get on a damned airplane tomorrow.

Hopefully this time I won’t forget the damned Xanax.

Should I fail to survive, please consider the following my Last Damned Will and Testament.

I would like to designate my mother as the sole beneficiary with the exception of $250,000 from my life insurance policy which should be put in trust with one Gaetan Reina, DVM and used specifically to take care of the cats, as I do not trust her to do so. He can use what is leftover to construct the Zipper (Our Surname) wing of his clinic.

And Mom can only have 10% of her money until she quits smo fuck ing.

She should also send $500 to Falky ‘cuz I owe her for springing Beeker from the So. Central dog pound (even though he’s a cat). (A bad cat.)

Any proceeds from my pending lawsuit due to being runover by crazy Korean driver should be given in its entirety to one “Cranky” Kozlowski.

Please mail what remains of my ass via U.S. Disgruntled Postal worker to my boss, with explicit instruction that he should kiss it.

I would then like what remains of my remains to be mixed with those of my beloved cat/husband, Zippy, and scattered in my former backyard in Austin, TX. He is on the bedroom dresser next to his portrait and some socks.

My Uncle Creepy Crawler should sprinkle me, because he asked me to sprinkle him, unless Mom wants to sprinkle me. Then she should sprinkle. Or they can both sprinkle.

They should not fight over who gets to sprinkle. HELL, you can all sprinkle. FINE.

No peeing in my asshes.

That’s it, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving, Xanax, and charred remains to you all.

Wrigley’s Kona Creme - they are apparently test-marketing this coffee-flavored gum. I have no idea why I decided that chewing gum which already tastes like coffee would help my coffee breath other than maybe if I couldn’t get coffee, this would work. But it tastes like hazelnuts and ass.

These Skilcraft One Step Pre-Moistened Sanitary Phone Wipes - are lovely, but do nothing against the gross security guards who abuse my desk in the night by boogerfying everything, leaving used gum on the floor, talking into my handset with their ashtray dragon-breath (and it seeps in from under the door, and I happen to be The Person Who Hates Cigarettes Second Most in the World), and/or wiping their nose on my printer, for some reason (like chimps who cannot figure out how to use something.) Am thinking of quitting my job just for that. I am not a germophobe but this is too much even for the likes of me.

That should be an interesting resignation letter.

Oh yeah. And these wipes say “Created with pride by Americans who are blind,” but does not EXPLAIN HOW-! Damn.

Now this, I need.
1) On my desk,
2) NOW.

Maybe it would help sanitize the boogers.

Is, they will cut it too short.*

Reason #6,434 is, two months later, it will still be too short, but you will somehow need another haircut.

*This is also the reason why you go to the really overpriced guy, who cuts your hair without making it look like he actually did anything.**

**Except liberate your wallet of about a hundred bucks*** and sell you some ridiculously expensive, yet unnecessary product.

***Also known as Reason 902 why being female is stupid. I advise against it.

So, since my stupid bad-luck birthday, I have f—ed up the following:

-Got snootied at & rejected for seating at my favorite restaurant on my !@@#$in’ birthday due to not having a reservation (Cranky!) where we have never needed one before, I suspect because of looking like a wooly mammoth

-Let Beeker get high on birthday balloon helium & break my birthday prezzents

-Let my driver’s license expire - stupid birthday’s fault, not mine

-Then managed to LOSE my expired driver’s license

-Booked a flight which conflicts with the only relevant class I’ve enrolled in, which work is paying for

-Realized I am going nowhere anyway without my license (do airlines accept birth certificates as proper ID? How ’bout a urine sample?)

-Went, b-b-b-b-b

-Used some profanity

-Am driving around all cockeyed without a license AND a current eyeglass prescription AND brakes that are going out AND no roof

-Will probably tootle home in my car with no roof and get rained on and then pulled over for looking like a wet wooly illegal and skidding into a cop car because my breaks went out, and then asked for my expired driver’s license and explaining that it is lost, then having the LAPD run my license number and finding that I’m not wearing my glasses (which I also lost) IF I can even get on the plane with no license and/or am not arrested for looking like an ancient, hairy elephant and a blind terrorist, in the first place.

Might as well just cuff me now, Officer.

1. Monday the 13th: even the taco sauce gives you attitude
2. The cat attempts to spell “happy birthday” in PUKE
3. That is not a Slip ‘N Slide
4-8. Annoying co-workers
9. Annoying co-workers sing at you
10. People who write “happy birthday” and nothing else in the damn obligatory card
11. Free license to eat crap all day (actually, I like this one); followed closely by
12. Toothache.
13. This list ain’t over yet.

You’ll hear no gloating from me. We, the Peep-Hole, need to get to work. We have a lot of undoing to undo.

I’m only sorry there weren’t any silly Californian wabbit propositions on the ballot this year, like not eating horse meat or Prop. Against Sending Ol’ Bossie to the Glue Factory to be Made into Shoelace Caps. Whaddayoucallthosethings. Sniglet.

I guess the persistence of Goobernator II is enough bull for one year…

Don’t you find it funny that all this legislative taking-out-of-trash corresponded with Brit-Brit dumping Keben Smeg-er, Federline? I know I do…frankly, I’m surprised they didn’t “find” Osama bin Laden, again (he’s been living in Paris Hilton’s vacuous hole this whole time.)

Come to think of it? That would make PERFECT sense.

In other brain-dead news…

Have you seen these anorexic twins? There are much, much more horrible pictures - the worst cases I have ever seen, personally - and semi-living proof that having a sibling, especially one who looks like you, makes people too g_d_mn competitive. They look like dueling Skeletors. And what’s really horrible is that I am laughing about the one stealing gum and a blender.

(Perhaps they should shoplift some food?)

Hrm, hot in here.

He drives a Hummer.

Today, I look like a particularly strung-out member of Guns n’ Roses…in the present day.

It looks like Slash took a dump on my head.

Like Donald Trump’s toupee crawled up there and died.

I met a guy who could work with it once on a photo shoot, but he worked for that guy, remember that guy who caused the big stink about Bill Clinton’s several hundred dollar-’do? Yeah, it was that guy. (Though, why you would pay someone that much to make it look like a deceased badger lived on your head, I don’t know.)(Yeah, I’d still do him.)

Aherm. So anyway, Carlos moved to Prive and no longer cuts hair. That’s right. He does color exclusively and that Japanese straightening thing. I guess doing mine sent him over the edge. And even if it hadn’t, I have no business setting foot in a place that charges $60 just to look at you, and that doesn’t even include a blow-out.

I guess I should start going to some punk rock salon in Silverlake, where my very bleach-happy friend once quoted her stylist as saying, “your hair is SO damaged…cool.”

Actually, I belong here, but I don’t feel like being The Lone Honky without any ethnic friend as Tonto to make me look halfway hip, as all of them are too busy being in national commercials. Shee.

I’d like a new hairdresser, but I hate that snobby way they assess your Brillo-head, like, what am I supposed to do with this?

Once, I actually had a guy say, “this piece is a lost cause.” And that was before a crazy hair and makeup person with a flat iron singed it half to death on the set of a bad hip-hop music video in which I am never seen. Oh, that was totally worth it.

Another time, the hair lady sighed in exasperation and said, “your HAIR…” and just sadly shook her head.

It’s as if part of their sales strategy is to make you feel like shit about your appearance; then, and only then, can they get you to rely on them to make you look halfway passable. Must be why the ones that don’t feel they have to offer that particular “service” become so popular, you can’t even get an appointment anymore.

Insulting hairdressers can suck the split ends off my ass hairs.

I’ve been driving a Volkswagen Asshole.

Yeah, they don’t make them anymore.

It has opinions. The Asshole does not like going to Burbank. I do not like going to Burbank, either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it to start.

Jeez.