thepissedkitty

Does anybody else hate that Free Credit Report.com guy…? The sort of cute-for-a-whiteboy one with curly hair?

I used to like him when they did the first commercial, about the sh*tty car he bought when he didn’t go to freecreditreport.com (although everything’s relative - I think that was a nice car), and the one about how he didn’t check the website, someone stole his identity, and now he’s serving fish to tourists “dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant” (total rip from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, by the way.)

But now I think he’s a total prick! In their new spot, he plays a darkly twisted tale of woe about how he married his “dreamgirl,” only forgot to check her credit first, and now “can’t get a loan on a respectable home” and  is forced to live in her parents’ basement instead of being “a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard”. How effed up is THAT people?

First of all, Suze Orman says you shouldn’t let bad credit stop you from marrying for love, because that’s in the past, not part of your married-couple credit report, or some crap. Anyway, dude thought he was marrying for money. And furthermore, if he can get a house on his own, then why didn’t he? What a jerk. Not to mention that he apparently leaves his soiled underwear all over the basement and totally lets that drummer dude live in their closet/bathroom. No wonder his “dreamgirl” looks a little miffed. I would be, too. She could have done better. In my opinion, Dreamgirl there should trade up, even for the Judge Reinhold character from Fast Times. Hell, even Spicoli has less issues.

Or perhaps I’m reading too much into this. It’s just, they all look so cute and nice and innocent until you meet the parents and find out their dad got them that job at Experian, plus they’re still attached at the hip to the apron strings, don’t actually even KNOW how to do laundry, couldn’t even wipe by themselves until they were 7 (how…cute?) and have plastic their parents still pay off for them. I should probably just stay away from the television, and relationships for that matter. The only thing that scares me worse than that combo would be looking at my free credit report. Dot com.

1) That Bissell vac commercial - makes my dog, and reportedly several friends’ dogs, go ballistic with its squeeky toy sound FX. Stop that, dude. Stop it.

2) Haven’t seen her in a while (or maybe it’s just that I broke both my TV and my vacuum cleaner (see above) in one fell swoop this past weekend. Stoopid Mercury in retrograde. (Mercury: stop that, dude. Just…stop it.) That “Short Periodssshhhzz” chick. I can’t even remember the name of the birth control pill; just that it gives you shorter periods(ssshhzz), that the chick is pretty…pretty ANNOYING, that is; that she has a pre-pubescent figure (because the pill doesn’t make you gain weight, or anything) with that…SPACE between her thighs that no normal well-nourished woman I know has; and a dog named “Shorty”, you know, for “short periodssshhhzz”. And a speech impediment.

(Oh, wait…the website has not only the commercial, but further info on said chick “Cammie” and her fucking dog, “Shorty”. Fuckin’ hell. Also? The fact that she BOUGHT HER GODDAMN DOG, brags about his purebred status, and claims Cammie will “not be able to pick him up for long”…um, maybe Cammie shouldn’t be A FUCKING ANOREXIC? Also, perhaps she should have RESCUED a dog that perhaps did not WEIGH MORE than she does?! I fucking HATE Cammie. Cammie is a HEARTLESS, UNTHINKING TWAT. Not to mention that it has a link to the AKC website and actually has THE NERVE to suggest that if she doesn’t take him for his daily walk, the fucking dog could “easily put on too much weight”…UNLIKE CAMMIE. Jesus CRAP I hate this commercial.)

Anyways. Why don’t they just say, THIS PILL WILL MAKE YOUR PERIOD SHORTER. SO YOU CAN HAVE MORE FUCKING. C’mon, dudes, just spit it out. Say it. MORE FUCKING. IT WILL ALSO MAKE YOU SKINNY. OR SO WE WANT YOU TO THINK. P.S. MORE FUCKING. Thank you.

3) Not one, but TWO Carl’s Jr. commercials are out right now featuring guys’ FEET. I don’t know about you people, but to me, there is little in the world that is grosser than a guy’s feet. And these two: a) the one with the guy on vacation, eating fruit, and b) the one with the guy fondling the improbably large-titted Hawaiian dashboard hula dancer both include the guy’s FEET, front and center. As if the narsty lip-smacking, finger-licking sound FX weren’t gross enough. And as for that badly California-accented voice over:”when a guy can’t get his wahine to put some halakahickie all over his E-O-peepee hawillahea”..I don’t know what that means, but they know damn well it sounds nasty, and isn’t “get his woman to put barbecue sauce on some pineapple”. These guys are just a bunch of ill-mannered, whoremongering, pineapple-fucking bunch of pre-verts. FUCK YOU, CARL’S JR. FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL.

4) Nivea “Goodbye to Cellulite” - well, that’s all well and good, except that the featured model in this spot is like,
a) 13,
b) Swedish, or some sh*t, and
c) has NO cellulite, probably because she is

a) 13,
b) Swedish, or some sh*t
and/or c) anorexic. Jesus fuck.

Also? White chicks should NOT be dancing to rap music, lame or otherwise. Which I now have stuck in my head…GOOD-BYE, DON’TCHOO CRY, GIRLIES LOOKIN’ OH-SO-FLY…agh!!! Sonofabitch!!!

*spontaneously combusts in a firestorm of hatred not entirely precipitated by George*
Fuckin’ Cammie. Fuckin’ basset hounds. Damn hell crappin’ Swedish teenagers and gross guys’ feet-!!

Jesus in hell, I hate people. Especially game show hosts, dog breeders, and, apparently, advertising execs.