thepissedkitty

Is it just me, or……does this just seem…wrong?

Somebody give it some Monistat, stat…!

By the way, I have sampled those macaroni bites from Jack in the Crack since the last posting. They are freakin’ amazing, but not amazing as the potato and bacon (which I do not eat) bites. Holy crap.

I haven’t really wanted to eat anything animal since visiting the farm last week, but my stomach and my unemployment keep getting in the way of my vegetarianism. If someone would just buy me a vat of Quorn…

Two smells I have not been able to get out of my head: the goats at school (male) and the sick kid in my chem class. Apparently, testosterone, once it kicks in, makes things much STINKIER. The male goats smelled like goat cheese that had been left out in the hot sun, in a Port-O-Potty, in Tijuana, for a week. The kid, he just smelled like he’d been eating bad food and drinking sickly sweet Gatorade for about a month without showering. I can’t deal with even the memory of either, can almost taste it, and feel like I’m about to throw up. Or it could just be all the fried food. Or, I’ve been knocked up by space aliens. Take your pick.

I wonder if the baby will look like a) a goat, b) elbow macaroni, and/or c) Grape Ape. Or all three, one for each head. I also think I should start taking interesting medication, or stop eating cheese right before bed.

My only real original thoughts of late, considering the classes I just started combined with the job search (fruitless unless you consider sign twirler, nit picker - no lie - or “bathroom valet” to be viable forms of employment. Oh yeah, and, GO TEAM LATRINE! Gotta give ‘em points for the biz name.)

(But no, really. Those people always piss me off, because I don’t feel like I should have to tip them just because they are standing in the restroom (P.U.) and they offer me a towel when I finish using the sink. Then I feel guilty.)

Anyway, discuss:

1) Diane Lane. Possibly the most boring actress ever. Even her name is boring. Why is she getting jobs, even? So that other WASPy, skinny, bland-looking people will have someone to relate to? Am I missing something here…?

2) I went into a Jack in the Crack to buy a couple dog burgers, and what did I see? Fried “CHEESY MACARONI BITES“. As if their Sirloin-and-Cheese-Fried-Tater-Tot burrito nightmare (read: delicious) wasn’t proof enough that the fast food industry is trying to kill us.

I had a point, I just lost it. Can’t stop thinking about that fried cheese.
Maybe, if they fried Diane Lane, I might find her interesting, too.

Sad news, folks.

Planter’s Cheez Balls, like eventually everything else I enjoy, consume, or use, have been discontinued. Apparently for some time now. I will terribly miss this snack product, though my slightly re-emergent waistline will not. I used to eat a whole can of these suckers. They had this vacuum-packed metal lid thingy which was, by the way, very dangerous, especially when you had your arm in the thing up to the elbow. Major risk of arterial spray, or at least, getting cheese fuzz up to your elbow.

By the way, here is a picture of Cranky, er, Ernest Hemingway, feeding a Cheeto to my dog:

Note: Cheeto pictured is not actual Cheeto; it is a 100% organic, food-grade, free-range dog cheeto.

This photo was rejected by the LA Times website for “Animals Behaving Badly”. Maybe it was too phallic? Maybe a Cheez Ball would have worked better? (Daaaaamn yooooou, Planters, this is all YOUR fault!)…but probably not.

Site of the Day: Anything but Planters.com, which by the way contains no information about the ill-fated Cheez Ball.

Quote of the Day: Screw Mr. Peanut and his blind a** with his cane.
-Anonymous user, #24, found here.

Sob…where have alllll the cheez balls gone? Sing it, Joni…I am gonna have to put a Ding Dong in the blender with vodka and drink it, just to deal. Or maybe rum would be better…?

Eat crappy diet food for a while. It does, in fact, “change your taste buds,” but not as purported in the I-only-like-healthy-things-now way. No, you will still gain back all the weight (and then some), but it makes you realize real food tastes ah-maze-ing. OMG, crappuccino with full-fat half-and-half and Midnight Moo, where have you been all my life? It’s like a vegan’s wet dream…ahem. Sorry vegs.

Other bad thoughts: I call Tulip, i.e. Honky Goose, i.e. my dog - and Bosco, i.e. Beaskieskeeskee, i.e…nevermind, anyway, I call them “weenies”. No they are not weenie dogs, they are just…weenies. So this morning, fueled by the above beverage, pit stank, and unemployment, I went around singing, You Are the Wind Beneath my Weenie. Which is not to say, weiner, i.e. wang, i.e. schlong…I got in big trouble in the 7th grade for saying schlong…by the way, don’t click that, not safe for work…you did? Oops…er…i.e. weenus. It is to say, you are the wind…beneath my dog. It’s very spiritual, in its way.

What?

Quote of the Day (besides: you are the wind beneath my weenie):
My scrotum is longer than my penis!
-Jack Black character in MARGOT AT THE WEDDING

Link of the Day: See how many TV/movie quotes contain the word “scrotum”. More than you would think-! Wow.

Texas Toast - I don’t get it. It’s just thick white bread w/ butter on it. I’m a thick whitebread, and I still don’t get it.

Texas Toast is just regular toast, only bigger. Because everything’s fatter, I mean, bigger in Texass.

Now don’t get all, nuh-uh, we’re not!! on me. I’m from there; why do you think I look this way?! And it’s worse because I’m in Cali now, where homesickness and the stress of not being a giant professional toothpick drive me to eat even more, and then there’s the fact that the food out here does not come in Small, Medium, and Bucket.

This just makes me sad.

Besides, isn’t it arguably less trouble to buy fresh bread and toast it than to take it out of the freezer, de-thaw, then toast…?

And now, these hot dogs. The fuh!

Depressingly, these were being purchased by a man who was spouting off loudly to the checker about how he deserved to have custody of his kids. I, for one, don’t think so.

What next, we’ll be buying it pre-chewed?!

I say Clam-ah-to-BLEURGH!!!

Please post in comments if you think this can, in any way, be perceived as a good thing.